en route to

I haven’t been able to focus all day. I’m struggling to complete one task without...

Tue, 21 May 2013 18:18:31 -0400

I haven’t been able to focus all day. I’m struggling to complete one task without jumping to another. I’ve done one million things today, but not one of them is entirely finished.

I’m getting antsy. There is not much time left before I pack up the rest of my life here and move it down to San Diego. Time has been a hard thing to wrap my head around lately.

I already have a job that I’m over the moon for. I don’t remember the last time I was this enthused about work, but here I am. I can’t wait. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t pop into my head. I’m excited for a new challenge. I’m excited to see how I will grow and learn from this opportunity.

I’ve also already have a room secured in a cute craftsman in a quiet neighborhood just blocks from Balboa Park. A private entrance, my own bathroom, and a couple little dogs that I can love on to help with the Penny withdraws.

Oh, Penny.. it’s really kind of a sore topic from me. I’m so sad to be leaving her and Pecos, but this was bound to happen eventually. It’s shocking a lot of people to find out that we’re “separating.” But Pecos didn’t move up here for me and I can’t stay for him. So it goes.

The best thing is that I will be closer to my family. My loving, supportive, Mexi-Ginger family. It’s been so difficult these past few weeks being so far from them. Daily updates definitely help, but it’s just not the same. They’re my heart. My rock. It didn’t take recent events to realize that, but recent events have shown how deep those roots are and they ache every day that I’m 2 hours away. That may not be anything compared to some people, but it’s everything to me. They’re everything to me.

Home, home. I cannot wait to be home.

Penny’s senior yearbook picture. She was drunk.

Mon, 20 May 2013 20:55:31 -0400

Penny’s senior yearbook picture. She was drunk.

"I wish to cry. Yet, I laugh, and my lipstick leaves a red stain like a bloody crescent moon on the..."

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:31:20 -0400

“I wish to cry. Yet, I laugh, and my lipstick leaves a red stain like a bloody crescent moon on the top of the beer can.”

- Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals (via trashysnacks)

I'm moving back to San Diego!

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:31:00 -0400

(details to follow)

Me: I feel like I'm dying. Can you tell me I'm not.

Thu, 16 May 2013 15:58:20 -0400

Me: I feel like I'm dying. Can you tell me I'm not.
Pecos: You can't be dying, because you make me feel so alive.

I’ve been quiet lately. I know. I’ve been reading before bed. Getting lost in stories about corrupt...

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:29:00 -0400

I’ve been quiet lately. I know.

I’ve been reading before bed. Getting lost in stories about corrupt towns, unlikely geniuses, and a nasty little voice in your ear that’s got nothing to say but the worst of your thoughts. I’ve been finding connections; lines to be drawn from those stories to my own. Subtle details that are probably overlooked by those who just read to pass the time; I’ve never been the type. I search for sorrow, I search for hope. I search for myself.

Sometimes, it’s easier to have an honest conversation with a book.

I’ve been fed lines, ideas, thoughts that I am somehow in debt. That I have reasons to be apologetic for being myself. I let myself believe them and I let myself be replaced. I was not nor have I been the victim. I put up a fight for a little while, but then let myself sink into an abyss because drifting is easier than fighting the current.

I’ve been quiet because I let myself be.

I’ve allowed myself to become part of the supporting cast. In some cases, I’m an extra that bumps into the main character on the street, either apologizing or screaming profanities. But I lost my starring role when I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of the part.

I’ve been quiet because I’ve been rehearsing.

There’s a new beginning in my future and only one major obstacle to overcome that separates this life from that one. It has been a struggle to remind myself that this is what is best for me because I can only focus on the possible aftermath, the what-ifs. I feel like I have to pass through a field of landmines. I know I won’t lose limbs, I know that I’ll probably walk away with a headache. But I also know that the relief I’ll feel on the other side is worth the journey and if this is the only thing holding me up… well, it’s time that I finally get it over with.

I’ve been quiet, but that will end soon.

I have to remind myself that knots in my stomach aren’t always a bad thing. I have to remember...

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:20:00 -0400

I have to remind myself that knots in my stomach aren’t always a bad thing.

I have to remember that my happiness needs to be a priority.

It’s insane to stay in a place that doesn’t make you happy. It’s foolish to think that it will somehow change. It won’t. Because it hasn’t. And it’s time to accept that.

No more tears need to be shed. The fighting hasn’t changed a thing, there have been no big breakthroughs. It’s the same as it ever was.

Move on. Move on. Just move on.

Stay strong. Stay strong. Stay strong for yourself.

coketalk: Dude made a music video in space. What’d you do with...

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:24:22 -0400

coketalk:

Dude made a music video in space. What’d you do with your weekend?

Depression Part 2 by Hyperbole and a Half

Thu, 09 May 2013 21:03:04 -0400

Depression Part 2 by Hyperbole and a Half

Pigeons Are Natural Scavengers

Wed, 08 May 2013 22:20:49 -0400

fakescience:

CORE

Listened to this while playing Tetris. Felt good. Time for bed.

Wed, 08 May 2013 03:00:47 -0400

Listened to this while playing Tetris. Felt good.

Time for bed.

I took this selfie last night. I had just checked into a Best...

Mon, 06 May 2013 23:11:00 -0400

I took this selfie last night. I had just checked into a Best Western in Westminster. This is my I’m Okay face. A small reminder that I’m still me, somewhere in there.

I haven’t felt connected to a lot that has been going on around me. I’ve been sucking it up and pressing on. I feel like a phony. It’s hard to dig up that part of me that can talk easily to strangers. I’m stumbling over words and my jokes are coming out flat. It’s as if I’m watching myself from somewhere else. Helpless to break through the fog that’s been creeping in for days, weeks. I feel like I’ve said all these things before.

I’ve caught myself in odd places with tears collecting in the corners of my eyes, always short of spilling down my cheeks. Outside the garden center of WalMart, in the coffee shop on campus, the waiting room, the bench near the elevators, in one of 2 queen size beds in that hotel room. Wiping them away is always more conspicuous when you wear glasses.

The good is rolling in, but like the tide, it’s slow to erode these scars.

Sometimes, all you really need is a kiss on the forehead and an I missed you.

Fri, 03 May 2013 17:46:17 -0400

Sometimes, all you really need is a kiss on the forehead and an I missed you.

thefrogman: Adventure Twerks. Needed this.

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:47:48 -0400

thefrogman:

Adventure Twerks.

Needed this.

Forever blown away with the selfishness of some people. I’m not looking to be coddled, not...

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:20:55 -0400

Forever blown away with the selfishness of some people. I’m not looking to be coddled, not even to be comforted. But to be treated with basic human decency would be nice. Shit, I’d even be happy to be ignored at this point.

Not your life, not your family.

That being said, I’ve received a lot of love this week. It’s been rough, but it looks like it’ll be okay. A new normal, I suppose.

"Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we..."

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:29:33 -0400

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

- Henry Miller (via thatkindofwoman)

Weekend of Waiting

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:30:33 -0400

My Mexi-Ginger family was dealt a pretty big blow last week. The past few days have felt like months. We are staying strong and celebrating the little things, but the road ahead is long and it’s bound to be bumpy, at best.

Please send us some good, positive, healing vibes. We’re fortunate to be surrounded by some really excellent doctors, nurses, friends, and neighbors, but the more good sent our way, the better.

Our heads may be swirling with possibilities and our hearts may ache, but I promise you that every little bit of love we’ve received has given us the strength to carry on with optimism and courage. We will, as a family, get through this. We will come out stronger, closer, and whole.

Audio

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 02:05:44 -0400

Keeping awesome news a secret is really hard!

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 23:37:03 -0400

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.

Just a couple more weeks and everyone can know. :D :D :D

Or if you’re really nosy, you can send me fanmail/message and I will probably spill the beans to you.

If I’m super comfortable with you, I will totally sneak food off of your plate/sip your beer...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 22:12:15 -0400

If I’m super comfortable with you, I will totally sneak food off of your plate/sip your beer while you’re away from the table.