It feels like I never have an extended period alone. I am always interacting with someone in one form or another - with the exception of my morning commute.
It is on those drives that the sadness sinks in. Like a draft, it’s silent and slow, but you can feel it chilling you to the core.
This hasn’t gone away. It hasn’t stopped hanging around. Like that buddy you had after high school that just needs a place to crash for one more day but it is never one more day. He never leaves. This sadness forever takes residence in the back of your head.
More and more often, it feels like there’s tears just waiting to pour out of my eyes. It’s as if I am a deep exhale away from losing it all at once. But it never happens. Even when I try to purge the sadness from my body, all that happens is a few stray tears that dry up before they make it to my mouth. A few sad whimpers. Then an overwhelming anger. WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?
I have nothing to be sad about. Not a goddamn thing. Even the hard parts of my life are fine because they’re every day worries. I have a home, a bed, clean linens, great food, wonderful friends, and a supporting family that is never more than a call away.
And yet here I am. Without an explanation. Just a deep sadness, a short fuse, and a boiling resentment for not having overcome this bullshit by now.
I really can’t write anything worth a goddamn turd.
Seriously. Just thinking about it is pissing me off.
I experienced irrational anger this morning. All the drivers of the valley are fucking idiots and I really wish the zombie apocalypse was real because everyone in the valley would die.
Then I cried today because I got my feelings hurt and ya know what? Fuck me.
Now I’m getting mad at this post because IT SUCKS.
I will probably delete this.
Maybe you will get to laugh at my crazy before I do.
I NEED TO CALM DOWN.
I really need to give up energy drinks. What the fuck is my issue? How much sense does it make that I regularly consume energy drinks to get me through the day but really they just agitate me so that as soon as I get home, I’m reaching for a beer (suppressant) to relax my ass. NO SENSE MADE.
On the topic of nonsensical issues: ON THE GO BURRITO BOWL? What. The. Fuck. Does. That. Even. Mean?
Okay, back story. I was scrolling through my dash when I came across a recipe for a ON THE GO BURRITO BOWL and it took all my energy not to reblog it with my rude commentary. So, here I go, sans reblog:
First off, a burrito is pretty much as “on the go” as you get. Shit man, I love burritos so much because they require no utensils. So. WHY would you take the innards of a burrito and place them in a bowl thus requiring not only utensils, BUT ALSO A FUCKING BOWL. Bowls are NOT on the go. I can’t eat out of a bowl as a drive. FUCK BOWLS.
Second, if you take the insides out of a burrito you suddenly have a side. A SIDE. So, your “on the go burrito bowl” is actually a bowl of beans and rice. A SIDE OF BEANS AND RICE. Not a burrito. AND NOT VERY ON THE GO. Unless, by on the go, you mean your packed lunch that you take to your desk job. IN WHICH CASE, you have a lunch of beans and rice in a bowl. NOT AN ON THE GO BURRITO BOWL because your ass isn’t going anywhere. Unless you think that surfing the internet on your lunch is going somewhere - in which case, you’re probably someone stoked on this bullshit idea of a ON THE GO BURRITO BOWL.
White bitches need to back the fuck off making burritos healthy. That’s where this whole thing stemmed from. Some white bitch trying to be cute by getting you to buy into this ON THE GO BURRITO BOWL. Nah. You just got a bowl of protein with some tomatoes.
Yo, if it ain’t obvious yet - YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH BURRITOS IN MY PRESENCE.
That’s all I have for you folks today.
Fortunately for you, I have participated in all acts of crazy behavior. Fortunately for me, I learned every lesson with my first ex and every split since has been less crazy and more healing and growing. So, I think I can definitely help you out with what has worked for me.
First things first, acknowledge and feel your feelings. They don’t have to be rational, they don’t have to make sense, but they have to be expressed. Never forget that. Recovering from a break up is very similar to recovering from a death of a loved one. The feelings and phases cycle the same. Here we go:
- Shock: This was the break up. We’re past this.
- Denial: It isn’t REALLY over, is it? No way. I’ve seen enough romcoms to know that he’s moping around with his buddies wondering why he ever dumped me. He’s going to call any day now and beg for me back. WRONG. But you’ve kinda overcame this one, too, huh?
- Anger: WELCOME! This is what you’re currently experiencing. Awesome! This is where you will make some progress in moving forward. Let that anger guide you through your facebook. Delete every photo you have of the two of you. Untag yourself from any of your friends photos of the two of you. Remove him. BLOCK HIM. BLOCK HIM! Delete his number and POOF. Donezo. Homeboy has just vanished from your world. Feels good, huh? Cool. Now go to your closet and remove items of clothes that belong to him/were gifts. It has been months, he has forgotten about anything that belonged to him so you can go ahead and donate them. You feeling good? Okay. Note this feeling. Write about how good it feels.
- Bargaining: Whoooa, whooa. What just happened? What? No. I told you to donate his stuff. We aren’t giving it back. You don’t even have his number.. oh, wait. You memorized it? Well, just forget it. Do you know how awesome you are for going this long without contact? Shit man, he probably thought you would call him but you fooled that fucker, huh? Yea. Fuck that guy. You need to see him as much as you need to experience the clap. Exactly. You don’t.
- Depression: Oh, hi. It’s okay, we aren’t backtracking. This is normal but this is when you push through the funk by hanging out with friends and doing fun shit. This is a great opportunity to push yourself. Do something you wouldn’t normally do. JUST DO SOMETHING that doesn’t involve the internet or stalking. You probably have moments when you feel like you can talk to him and be okay but you won’t be. Don’t do it. You’re still fragile. Hop to the next phase..
- Testing: Test the waters! Get out there and date. Or entertain the idea of dating by signing up for a silly dating site. Write about yourself in the allotted space as if you were writing an autobiography. WHY THE HELL NOT? You’re doing this for you, not possible dates. Because dudes will message you asking questions that you’ve answered in your bio and you have the choice to be sassy or flirty or whatever you want but you will see how fun it can be, no matter the response, and this will boost your self-esteem a bit (as it should) and hell, maybe even get a few free dinners and drinks out of it.
- Acceptance: You’ve made it! You have turned a crappy situation into a great one because you’ve reconnected with friends, you’ve tried things you wouldn’t normally do, you’ve dated, you flirted, and you found yourself again. You are a person outside of a relationship and you’re worthy of all the happiness in the world. You can now view the relationship with a fondness instead of a longing. You’re grateful that the split happened because now you’re here and you’re fine.
I hope that was helpful. If you need song recommendations, I have those, too. :)
Amanda, is that you?
I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and write. I try to force it, but after a sentence or two words dry up and blow away. I hope to find a little bit of time this weekend - I have a lot simmering under the surface.
Thank you for missing my words, though. It doesn’t matter who you are - people like you are the only reason I continue to express these things publicly.
Why do they not make the Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito anymore? We were told it had been discontinued but WHY? They still have beans, rice, and cheese. They have all of those ingredients sitting around in bags waiting to be squeezed out. Do the people of Taco Bell not have enough brain power to squeeze all of those things out into a tortilla?
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS PREVENTING THEM FROM MAKING SOMETHING THAT THEY HAVE EVERY INGREDIENT TO MAKE. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. NONE AT ALL.
Whiny fat kid OUT.
- Mom: What are you going to name him?
- Me: Napoleon. Don't baby him, he's going to be a bad ass.
- Mom: He ain't a bad ass yet, he is a whiner (should be noted that they're less than a week old). The first pup is a little bigger. They look the same except for a white line down the chest. Really cute.
- Me: I want the first born male.
- Mom: Okay, he was so big he cleared the way. The second pup just popped right out.
- Mom: *sends picture of puppy* How bad ass is he?
- Me: Just wait til he's mine!
- Mom: Yea, you could turn the pope into a hitman.
- Me: DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
I don’t promote drinking on the job, but when shit gets as fucked up as it is here - YOU ALMOST NEED TO.
Every muscle in my back is cramped and tense and my chest is tightening. Deep breaths. Focus. Focus.
To know that I have shit looming outside of this place doesn’t help, either.
Tomorrow evening can’t come fast enough.