I’ve been quiet lately. I know.
I’ve been reading before bed. Getting lost in stories about corrupt towns, unlikely geniuses, and a nasty little voice in your ear that’s got nothing to say but the worst of your thoughts. I’ve been finding connections; lines to be drawn from those stories to my own. Subtle details that are probably overlooked by those who just read to pass the time; I’ve never been the type. I search for sorrow, I search for hope. I search for myself.
Sometimes, it’s easier to have an honest conversation with a book.
I’ve been fed lines, ideas, thoughts that I am somehow in debt. That I have reasons to be apologetic for being myself. I let myself believe them and I let myself be replaced. I was not nor have I been the victim. I put up a fight for a little while, but then let myself sink into an abyss because drifting is easier than fighting the current.
I’ve been quiet because I let myself be.
I’ve allowed myself to become part of the supporting cast. In some cases, I’m an extra that bumps into the main character on the street, either apologizing or screaming profanities. But I lost my starring role when I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of the part.
I’ve been quiet because I’ve been rehearsing.
There’s a new beginning in my future and only one major obstacle to overcome that separates this life from that one. It has been a struggle to remind myself that this is what is best for me because I can only focus on the possible aftermath, the what-ifs. I feel like I have to pass through a field of landmines. I know I won’t lose limbs, I know that I’ll probably walk away with a headache. But I also know that the relief I’ll feel on the other side is worth the journey and if this is the only thing holding me up… well, it’s time that I finally get it over with.
I’ve been quiet, but that will end soon.