Those mixed emotions I mentioned yesterday, they’re still going strong. I’m having trouble digging up what I really want.
The head against the heart stuff. Pros and cons, the weight of each.
All I know is that things were really great leading up to my trip to Oakland. Then I made a stupid mistake and uncovered texts from an ex about unrequited love. Spent the early morning hours going over details with him, what it all means. Yes, there are still feelings there for her, but it doesn’t change or take away from the feelings for me. I only slept a couple hours before wandering around trying to make sense of it all.
Sunday crept up with the sadness in the pit of my stomach and I slowly started realizing that I was more hurt about the thought of losing him than I was about the residual feelings for her. We aren’t perfect creatures, we come with pockets full of old memories, secrets, leftover emotions. It’s not as if I’ve never entered into a relationship without some bits still tangled up in a previous lost love. I still ache a bit at the thought of running into a former lover. Phantom pains of old wounds.
I can get lost in the fine details and worry myself sick. I can let everyone’s opinions, concerns, advice steer me in one direction…
Or I can remember how he leaned over and whispered I’m all yours just before he kissed my ear as we were getting out of his car. Or the look he gave me from across the table at a restaurant in the city when he told me he felt like it embodied who I was to him. Or sitting with him on the patio overlooking the city, talking about a little bit of everything but nothing of the night before. The way that it’s so effortless to fall asleep with one of his arms draped over my waist while the other is under my head, my hand in his.
I’ve always been slow to trust people and never one to offer second chances, but I feel like I would be making a mistake if I were to walk away from this. If actions speak louder than words, I need to let them drown out my doubts.
People who don’t care do not go through the effort of repairing, certainly not after 7 weeks, with 3 weeks of almost 500 miles between us.
This is what I need to remember. What I need to hold on to. I need to let the rest go and focus on what really matters in all of this - what we want to get out of it.